how to label your boxes

my friend j told me today it is not that i am handling my current situation (lack of employment and how it came about) well - it just hasn't hit me yet. and damn if the bitch wasn't right because i am no longer handling it well.

i take 2 medications daily (and then some if needed) and had a 3 month supply called in to wal-mart for pick up today because today is my last day with medical insurance (technically, i could COBRA but as i have yet to hit the lottery, i cannot afford to COBRA). turns out, i am not due for refills until 10/3 and 10/11 and my BCBS plan does not offer an early pick up option. so, as all of my well laid plans always end, this one too ended in failure.

and that's when it hit me. i am sitting at the stop light leaving wal-mart and tears are rolling down my face.

when my neighbor/friend/former coworker brought me the box of stuff that was cleaned out of my desk for me (and termed "just some shit" by my former ___ ) i set the box on the floor next to a box containing things from my store. i laughed and said out loud to myself, "look, another box of failure! i think i'll start numbering them!"

at the light at wal-mart, it ceased to be funny. the reality is that i am unemployed in one of the worst job markets in the last 20 years; my 1 remaining 401k is so in the crapper i would not be surprised to receive notice that it has actually rolled back to $0.00; my medical insurance lapses at 12:01 am; no one has called me for an interview; and it will be another week before there is even a possibility of my being notified of whether or not my unemployment was approved (if approved, the state max for me is $275/week before withholding. i know, envy my windfall).

i think the icing on the mental breakdown cake was seeing all of the red & blue school flags on the cars and realizing that this is homecoming weekend and also my 15 year high school reunion weekend. nothing says i have arrived like being unemployed & unable to afford health insurance. i can actually say i have no self esteem left.

i thought the whole point of going to a good high school, getting a college degree, and working hard was so at 34 i would not find myself in this fucking situation? Seriously! remind me again why i am still paying back student loans? again i succeeded in making an investment in nothing - and that was over 10 yrs ago and cannot be blamed on the current economic shit storm. you know you've hit a new low when you're excited about making $70/night waiting tables at the olive garden. that's not even good waitressing money!

tried working hard. was laid off. tried following my dream. declared bankruptcy. tried working hard again. no idea what happened this time. no explanation. nothing.

at least i now know how to subtitle my boxes: Failure #1 - where your dreams died. Failure #2 - just some shit.